If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
