There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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