Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
