Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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