I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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