He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
