Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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