I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
