yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
