Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
