Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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