Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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