I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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