My friends, they love my intelligence
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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