do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
