I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
