i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
