Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
