Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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