also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
