The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
