Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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