So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
