Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
