I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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