My liver just broke up with me...
It's Friday. Sex?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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