i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
