sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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