I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
