Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Randomize
