I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
