For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
