I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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