i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
