She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
