At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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