I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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