Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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