Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You made out with two different species that night
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
