I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wish my penis had a tongue
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
