I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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