Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
