i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
