Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we're making bets on your personal life
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
