Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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