The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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