i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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