Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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