so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
