I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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