Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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