Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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